Sunday, February 17, 2008

What ever happened to Eric Valent?

With all this talk about Johan Santana and his newly minted # 57, this made me remember another player with the number 57. Left handed hitter Eric Valent, the player who broke Mark McGwire's minor league home-run record (somehow I really don't remember which home-run record he broke but it was good!) after bouncing around with the Phillies and Reds for a couple of years he finally got a chance to play for a significant amount of time in 2004 under Art Howe's tutelage. In 270 at bats, Eric batted .267 with 13 homeruns and 34 rbis. His career highlight came on July 29th when he hit for cycle, he also hit three pinch-hit homeruns in late August. It was one of the few bright spots on that disturbing season, I don't know about you but he turned into one of my favorites (there's actually a fan site about him). After a nice 2004 he was the 25th man on the roster in 05, new manager Willie Randolph let him rot on the bench and let him pinch hit after days and weeks off. He batted .186 with zero homeruns and 1 rbi in 43 at-bats. Since then he has been out of baseball, doing "stuff" after doing some intense research I have found out what that indeed "stuff" is. After he left the Mets he started working with this man - Crayton Tygree, Cray (as Eric likes to call him) owned a couple of Harold's Chicken Shacks out in South Side, Chicago. Cray wanted Eric to take his chain to the next level, so he told him to get Malcolm-Jamal Warner from the Cosby Show, to try out Cray's "bockmazing" chicken. After hitching a ride on Lucie Lucy Liu's camel toes back, Eric went to New Jersey(EW) and said and I quote "Hello thar! Jamal, please come to Chicago and try the "Bockmazing" chicken!" They took a ride back on the toe again and once they got to the shacks, the "bockmazing" chicken was all gone. They looked around and saw the culprit, BARTOLO COLON! He had eaten every last morsel of the chicken, Valent (now with Cray and Jamal by his side) said: "WHAT THE FUCK FATTY!" He took him by the arm and kicked his fuckin' ass! If you have been wondering what has happened to the 2004 Cy Young winner, there's your reason. So, after this excursion Valent said "That's it, Im out!" He quickly ran to Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite after they were talking about a TV show where a guy uses HGH, after that he lived in Deleware for two years. The last known thing about him is he made this hawk make one of the most disturbing rants ever uttered on the radio, television, intranetz, etc (other than this.) So there you go, the Eric Valent story if you must, that is his story. Most of this is true but I might have "misremember ed " or "misheard " it somewhat.

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